At times, I wonder if it is wrong to do something unconditionally, to not hope for anything in return. Maybe it makes us give up hope altogether, and we feel we do not deserve what we do not get anyway. We try to be content, thinking we have the strength in ourselves to forego the wants and needs which underneath the rubble of self denial and self admonishment, beleaguer our souls, crying out silently to the very people they belong to, causing so much pain that we might even grow it into our lives as an undeniable part and try to move on. What we do not realise is even if we are successful in enduring the maladies that we face, the open wounds remain, and we are left mutilated and destroyed within.
We learn to accept and compromise, but is it necessarily a good thing? Why can't we live on our own terms when we owe no one else a commitment, no one else an explanation? Why do we, after a day of smiling moments spent with the very one who means so much, have to return to the dark hell of agony, reminding us forever the fact that we would never be able to call that person our own, never have our love in our arms at the end of the day, that the person who means so much to me, may have a place for me in her life, but nevertheless not in her heart.
I ask today for a reply, why is everyone in the world not entitled to get loved by the one they love. Why this atrocious irony, where we have to smilingly wave our love goodbye every day, when our hearts bleed for a soothing touch, a caring word... when we ask for nothing more than that the responsibility of her happiness lie with us. Maybe I am not deserving of such an honour. Maybe I am not good enough to achieve the greatness of getting her love. But I only ask, due to the failings of being a mere human, What if??
What if things could have turned out differently! What if our happiness lay in each other? What if we could simply melt into each others eyes and forget the rest of the world. I know such things are not meant to be...but am I not just another mortal, destined to a life where I am dictated by a higher power?? What can I do but pray and hope? I pray for nothing but her happiness, and hope only that the veil of sorrow can not ever shadow her path. Let her get the life I was not destined to give her, let her be much more happy than I could ever make her. Make her have such a beautiful trip down here that I would at least be free of the regret otherwise that I could not see her happy. I will take twice my share of tears if I know they will cause her to lose hers. I would sit all day to see the soft sparkle of light in her smile, and it would gladden my heart as much as a sunrise gladdens the birds of the sky.
As my heart yearns for her, I look back and days gone past, thinking of the moments I have spent with her, in bustling corridors, in silent churches, in winding roads, in libraries, in malls, offices and a myriad of other places. I cherish every moment together asd treasure them as much as I do my life, if not more. Yet at times I wish they had not been, that I was not that close and yet so far. Maybe the nearness makes me realise the distance even more.
When the days are dark and the nights are long,
I wonder just what had gone wrong
I try to sleep and forget my day
But who will take my dreams away.
I asked for love and nothing more
How could I know what was in store
I try to cry my hurt away
But no tears come, the pain will stay.
So I was wrong in loving you
But I ask what else could I do
I ask you to smile through the day
Maybe it will push my tears away.
